False Reflections

If I searched your heart 

maybe I'd see Jesus 
hanging up for you 
and Rising up for you. 
I wish to see 
love for me 
and you and I 
hand in hand. 
I hope to see me 
reflected back 
as something better 
than I truly am.
c. 1999

Note: This was written for an exboyfriend of mine who was very religious. I felt that there was a rift between us that was pointless because he didn't know the love I had in my heart for Christ. However, he is now married to a beautiful woman and they have a baby who embodies the best in the both of them. Truly, I love to see happy endings. They are living theirs and I will patiently await for mine to start.

Satan's Gift

I am nothing but a dirty human- 
with human fears, human tears, 
problems,and a past to let go of. 
I have a human future, 
and even human desires. 
So how could an angel, 
so pure and fine as God, 
have loved me like you did? 
Your wings like snow; 
Your beautiful golden halo. 
My dirty hands; 
My red blood and mortal soul. 
When I cried my salty tears, 
You lifted me up 
and carried me to grace where I was happy. 
I then returned to mortal Earth 
and all these earthly problems. 
Why have you left? 
That sweet taste of heavenly love 
has left me aching for more of you.
(c. 1998)

Note: This was written a few years after the end of a relationship with the first boy I ever loved. It took me a long time to get over it. I chose to title it this way because it felt as though the relationship had a been an evil gift: something short and fleeting, nothing more than a tease. It was also written long enough after the end that it started to feel like I'd never love another person the same way. The religious themes are there because they were a big part of his life and mine. So this is for BP.

Almost

When the pain 
strikes this deeply, 
it's more of a time 
to think 
than to cry. 
Because I wonder, 
'Why does it hurt 
to much to make 
my soul bleed?' 
You almost stole 
forever; 
You almost stole 
my dreams 
and smashed them 
at my dirty feet.
(2001)

Note: This was another poem written for RM regarding our almost relationship. There was almost something, almost heartache and almost pain. But it never happened. I was trying to figure out why it hurt so much when it was only ever almost.